Sex at the County Championships

21 April 2019

Extract from newsletter to ECF Silver members sent by the Silver Members’ reps on the ECF Finance Council:

“……….  there is a proposal, from the Director of Women’s Chess, that teams in the County Championship Open section must include one female player.  The player would not be required to satisfy the eligibility requirements applicable to other members of the team (which, basically, require some sort of connection with the county for which they play).”

The Reps point out that the shortage of top-level female players raises the possibility that women players might have to be “bought or bussed in” to satisfy the rules.  They say that there are currently only 17 women ECF players graded higher than 180.

Scene:  Committee room in Yorkshire preparing for the new season County Championships.  The Chairman is speaking.

OK lads, the trouble is that there aren’t enough high-graded women players to go round.  I’ve emailed the entire list of top women players telling all how I’ve been a fan of theirs since they played in their first school match and how much I’d appreciate it if they could play for us.  Here’s a fairly typical reply received:

Dearest Peterkins,
Thank you so much so your wonderful invitation, so moving.  Yorkshire has always been one my top 10 counties.  I’ve had a soft spot for it ever since a fondly-remembered family holiday at Skegness.

Sad to say I won’t be able to accept your kind invite as I have already signed up for another county.  They are providing me with 5-star accommodation, dining at a Michelin Guide restaurant and 1st class rail travel.  In comparison your offer of Travelodge, Harry Ramsden’s and a lift from the station doesn’t really cut the mustard.

Yours lovingly,

That was actually one of the politer ones.

So no joy there. But I may have the answer in the form of our young prodigy Zak.  We’ve already selected him on merit.  He’s still only 13 and his voice hasn’t broken yet.  Give him a nice wig, an artificial bosom and a touch of makeup and he’s perfect!  Problem solved!   Just need to make sure the boobs can’t slip and neither side deflates during a match – that really would send things pear-shaped!

Of course we need a Plan B in case Zak starts sprouting hair all over his face just as the season gets going.  So Richard, I’m looking to you for some help there – try this burqa on for size ……….

Reporter:  Lumpy Kustud

Any member of the Club can contribute items for the Open Blog. Opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the Club.

Return to top of page