Paul and Philip May to be deported

1 April 2020

The Home Office has declared that Limewood founder, Paul May, and his father, fellow-member Philip, are illegal migrants. They have been given 14 days in which to wind up their affairs and leave the country. Otherwise father and son may be held in a detention centre pending deportation back to Jamaica.

Paul May

Both men fiercely contest the order. They claim they are full British citizens by birth and have no connections whatever with Jamaica. Philip admits that he once attended a Trading Standards conference there but the Home Office chooses to believe that he was visiting his family.

Philip May

The Home Office asserts that Philip was born in Jamaica, a direct descendant of emancipated slaves from the sugarcane plantations and that five of his six children still live there. It has so far failed to produce its evidence in support of this claim.

An angry and distraught Paul said, “We have both offered to produce our birth certificates and other evidence to prove our British identity but the Home Office simply says it has confidence in its own records. It is ludicrous. It is a clear case of mistaken identity.”

The Home Offce has been induced to disclose one snippet of information. When Philip asked for the names of his alleged six children he was first told he ought to know that already. But under pressure from the family’s lawyer the names were given as Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, Peter, Paul and Mary.

The fight continues.


In an off-the-record, unofficial, unattributable briefing to journalists, sources at the Home Office have intimated that Philip May has been the mastermind behind attenpts to overthrow the Jamaican government. “Don’t quote me on this”, said one senior official, “but he has been regularly seen at events run by the Jamaican Revolutionaries Sly Dunbar and Ranchie McLean.”

In another development, Paul May is accused of using Voodoo in his chess matches. “It’s weird,” says one player from Alwoodley, “I had the game in the bag when suddenly I’m all washed up and checkmated.” Several others speak of being in a strong position and then having an overwhelming compulsion to offer a draw.

“This sort of thing is rife in Papua New Guinea”, claimed one, “but it is a the first time I’ve experienced it here.” Asked for comment, Mike Bramson for the Leeds Chess Association agreed that use of Voodoo in matches was improper. “If these accusations turn out to be true I shall raise the matter at the AGM and seek to have penalty points imposed in any match where it happens.”

Lumpy Kustud:  Nah, it ain’t Voodoo.  It’s just he plays so slow they’ll do anything to get the game over and done with.

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